In the Headlines

I now bring you a new segment in which I read a random headline and make up a story.
Let me preface this one by saying that I know almost nothing about Justin Bieber and I’ve watched CSI a couple of times. Here it goes.

Justin Bieber to Appear on CSI

Annoying twelve year old singer/teeny bopper heartthrob, Justin Bieber, is set to appear on an upcoming episode of CSI. Bieber will play himself, but in an alternate reality where fat people are skinny and skinny people are murderers. In a recent interview, Bieber stated, “I’m at the top of my game. Everyone loves me. But I’ve always wanted to be an actor. Ever since I was eleven, yo.”
It has been rumored that Bieber’s presence on the set has driven some cast members to consider an early retirement from acting. Laurence Fishburn, who may or may not be on this particular CSI, has been accused of calling Bieber a “no talent Canadian baby”. And that blond haired woman who used to be on the show told National Enquirer reporters, “CSI used to be respectable. We had that actor who starred in that old Mark Wahlberg movie, Fear, and he was great. Then he left, and now we have Canadian pop singers breaking down our doors.”
The writers of this particular episode have also received criticism for taking the show down a more sci-fi/ fantasy route.
“The show has really become stale. I mean, I don’t know how many seasons we’ve been on the air, but it’s just crime after crime after crime in this boring reality of ours. Let’s take it somewhere else. How about we address the obesity epidemic at the same time? You people just hate change. We’re writing a damned good episode about fat people who are skinny and skinny people who are murderers. If you are offended…good! That’s what we want. We have Justin Bieber. What do you have? That’s what I thought,” said head writer, Dale Bergman, when asked about the upcoming episode.
Love it or hate it, CSI is one of TV’s most popular crime dramas. (I mean, it’s no Du Shiniang, but what is?) But we’ll just have to wait and see if it can handle the drama behind the scenes.
-Alan Dales

Alan Dales is a reporter for CNN. He has a degree in Ancient Chinese Romance Literature from Gudger College, and works in a secret government base developing more nutritious chocolate jimmies.

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