In the Headlines: Who’s happy? Engaged, high-earners

The next installment of the fake news in which I take a real headline and make up the story.

Who’s Happy? Engaged, High-Earners
by: Sir Walter Dale Octavius III

A recent study from a local high school found that there are only two categories of happy people in the world, those who earn a lot of money, and those who are engaged. Everyone else is hanging on by a thread.

Students conducting the study asked their peers one question: Would you rather be rich and in love, or poor and alone? All thirty students who responded chose wealth and love. The “researchers” then watched Pride and Prejudice and the first hour of Wall Street.
“We got the gist of Wall Street, and it seemed pretty clear that more money equals more happiness. Mr. Darcy was loaded. And he was even happier when he got engaged. You take our survey results and mix it with our pop culture analysis and you get some rock solid findings,” said Luke Mitchell, a sophomore.

Not all are convinced by the study.

“I watched The Wedding Singer last week, and there were a couple of characters who weren’t happy when they were engaged. And one of them was with a guy who worked on wall street and made a lot of money,” said Jim Cromwell, a skeptical senior.

This study has already sent shock waves through the school.

Billy Gordon, running for junior class president, gave a speech following the release of these findings. In it, he promised high paying jobs and free engagement silly bands to everyone.

Lunch lady morale is at an all time low. Most are single, and all are struggling to make ends meat. This reporter hopes they will excuse the pun.

The study was funded by the student council, and a car wash held in the parking lot of a local Arby’s. Its results will not be published in the school paper.

Sir Walter Dale Octavius III is a CNN contributor and inventor of the stretched out Coke bottle filled with colored sand. He also writes for Seventeen magazine and claims to have seen Andre the Giant once.

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