One of the most deadly hurricanes in recorded history, ranked #1,876, Earl has caused unparalleled potential devastation up and down the East Coast. From Florida to Maine citizens are still grappling with what could have been a swirling blood bath of a storm.
“I mean, I could have lost my home, my business, and hell, even my life,” said Bill Ryan, resident of Martha’s Vineyard. “Eighty foot storm surge. Thirty foot waves. Two hundred mile per hour winds. I’m still recovering from all of the hypothetical scenarios.”
And Mr. Ryan may not be out of the woods. Meteorologists are still not convinced that Earl is done with us quite yet. The National Weather Service issued this statement earlier today.
“Many living along the East Coast view Earl as a non-event, and accuse us of exaggerating the storm’s potential power. But recent computer scenarios are showing that Earl will loop around the North Pole as a minor storm, causing upwards of 1/8 ” of snow in some parts, before it heads back down the East Coast as a Category 5, or higher, hurricane. Our computers are pretty darn sure that they can’t be wrong, so you people better listen to us. This goes against everything we know about weather behavior, but Earl is a killer. Perhaps the worst storm in history. And he’s just getting started.”
Americans living on the coast have already responded to this warning by buying record quantities of milk and bread. Because everyone knows that you can’t survive a storm without milk and bread.
This reporter predicts that Earl, or Earl II as some are calling it, will cause between 40 and 80 billion dollars in damage and kill between 100,000 and 800,000 people. Rumor has it that a polar bear has already choked to death on the snow produced by what’s left of Earl I.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse have arrived, and their names are E, A, R, and L.