Scientists Baffled By Their Inability to Destroy Humanity

When Oppenheimer, the scientist known as the father of the atomic bomb, witnessed the destructive power that he had unleashed upon the world, he famously said, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” But more than sixty years later it seems that the ambitious Oppenheimer was overshooting the mark. Scientists, no matter how hard they try, have failed to wipe out all existence. And it is baffling scientists.
“I really thought we had something when we figured out how to split the atom. That should have sealed it. But here we are. Still alive. And not just alive, but thriving with a global population nearing seven billion,” said a scientist.
“You’d think by now a mutated virus would turn the world into zombies, or a machine would become self aware and turn on us all, but it’s just not happening. People are just too damn resilient,” said another scientist.
Despite a number of setbacks, some scientists are still hopeful. They point to the Hadron Collider, which could create a black hole right here on Earth.
“We have no idea what this thing is going to do. But our fingers are crossed.”

The future seems bright for scientists. Monkeys moving robot arms with their thoughts. New synthetic killer viruses. And there’s even talk of shooting stuff into the Earth’s atmosphere to block some of the Sun’s rays in an attempt to reduce global warming.

“What keeps me going is the thought of Mother Nature taking all the glory for herself. An asteroid impact, super volcano, and any number of natural disasters could beat us to the punch. That’s just unacceptable,” said a man in a lab coat.

Dale Anderson is not a real reporter. He has no formal education and lives out his life in an underground bunker. His book, It’d Be A Conspiracy If It Weren’t True, sold over seventeen copies in its first four years of publication. He does not reflect the views of this blog.

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