If I Were A Billionaire


If you had many billions of dollars, what would you do? Of course there are those things that any selfless humanitarian would do, but for the sake of indulging outlandish fantasies let’s put those things aside for now. If you weren’t limited by money what would you really do? This is a topic that I have put much thought into. As you will see.

My first order of business would be to make my friend, Chris Cavalieri, my financial advisor. I once approached him with this offer. His response went something like, “My first duty as your financial advisor would be to hire a much more qualified financial advisor.” At that point I replied, “That’s perfect. Only a great financial advisor would be so wise.” Chris is my advisor. Hopefully he lets me do the things I want to do.

Chris told me I should purchase about 100 Dunkin’ Donuts franchises. This seems like a great idea as it would give me financial security if I happen to live another ten thousand years.

I wouldn’t buy a mansion. Instead, I would buy or build between four and six houses, all near each other. A few of the houses would serve as temporary housing for anyone whom I first approved. I would charge very low rent, and encourage community dinners and cookouts on a regular basis.

I want to cover an entire beach with smooth colored rocks. Then I want to scatter small chunks of gold throughout the rocks. I would then invite the public to participate in a gold scavenger hunt. They would receive little bags to place the gold in. In the end, the people can keep the gold, but the one with the most gold also gets $500 dollars. But, if a child brings back a bag full of colored stones and says to me something like, “I like these stones because they are pretty,” I will pay for their college education. Plus I would give their parents like $1000 dollars.

I would throw a massive Great Gatsbyesque cookout for my family and friends and probably everyone I’ve ever come in contact with. It would last 72 hours and include multiple volleyball, wiffleball, and ultimate Frisbee tournaments. There would be meals of all you can eat Chinese, Italian, and of course limitless hamburgers and hotdogs. There would be swimming pools and water slides and obstacle courses. Of course there would be prizes galore. Guests could stay in any of my nearby houses throughout the duration.

I would open a flower/candy/ice cream/bait/book shop. From time to time I would work in each section, but I would mostly leave the work to my friendly employees. They would receive a minimum wage of $20 an hour. Once in a while I would pay to have a famous author do a book signing in order to attract business. Everything would be fairly priced.

I would build a Friendly’s restaurant near my houses. Once a week I will pay for one lucky family’s meal. Anyone who orders the Honey BBQ Chicken Supermelt will get a numbered ticket, and once a month there will be a drawing for a year of free ice cream.

I would not build a movie theater in or near my houses. I want to go out to the movies. I might buy out a theater from time to time, but never on an opening weekend. That would suck for everyone else.

And last, but certainly not least, I would devote weeks at a time to writing my book. You know, the post-apocalyptic love story dealing with free will. When I’m not writing that, I would write for whoever would take me. I would even start my own magazine dealing with American popular culture. And another magazine focusing on the Christian perspective. This would be my work.
Writing.
If I had billions of dollars. If I were poor.

For any loyal followers, I am planning to write a response to Elizabeth Gilbert’s, Eat Pray Love as soon as I have finished it. This will likely carry into multiple posts. After reading the first few chapters I think it’s safe to say my response will be… impassioned.

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Posted on September 19, 2010, in Nonsense and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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