Conspiracy Theorist Theorizes that Conspiracy Theories are Part of Larger Conspiracy

The following is an interview from the May 2087 issue of Highlights For Kids.

HFK sat down with Alan Marks, the former head of Conspiracy Theorists of America (CTA) to discuss his new book, The Great Conspiracy: I Don’t Know Why I Even Wrote This Book Since You Won’t Believe Me Anyway.

HFK: Mr. Marks, it is a great honor to speak with you. I know how much you value your privacy.

Marks: The honor is mine to have. We don’t have much time.

HFK: Right, of course. Mr. Marks, can you tell us what inspired your new book?

Marks: Is there a mouse in your pocket? Who is us? Who else is with you!?!

HFK: My apologies Mr. Marks. I write for Highlights For Kids

Marks: Yeah yeah yeah I know who you are. I know who you work for. (Looks anxiously in all directions then grabs my arm) Let’s go inside.

(The interview is moved inside his underground bunker.)

HFK: Is this more comfortable?

Marks: A comfortable person is vulnerable. That’s how they get you. They get you…

HFK: Excuse me Mr. Marks, but I’d like to ask you about your new book.

Marks: My book is just that…a book. It’s a book of truth. Did you read it, Mr. uhhh?

HFK: My name is George, Mr. Marks. I introduced myself to you five minutes ago. And yes, I did read your book.

Marks: Did you believe it? I mean, the part about the conspiracy?

HFK: Mr. Marks, this isn’t about me. Our readers are interested in you.

Marks: Of course they are. Of course they are. That’s how people are. But, yes, my book. What about my book?

HFK: What inspired it? When did you start to believe in this great conspiracy?

Marks: I’m sitting in my bathtub, and I’m reaching for the soap. Then, I black out. When I wake up I’m underwater. At that moment, I knew the truth.

HFK: And what was the truth?

Marks: Conspiracy theories are all part of a conspiracy. You see, none of the conspiracy theories are true. That’s why they are conspiracy theories. If they were true they would be facts. That means that all conspiracy theorists were in on it.

HFK: But you were President of the CTA.

Marks: Exactly! I had to quit immediately. And, I couldn’t trust myself either. I was chief conspiracy theorist! I must be part of the great conspiracy.

HFK: So you don’t trust yourself?

Marks: The great conspiracy is that all conspiracy theories are connected and perpetuated by crazy individuals who believe in them. I am just as guilty. I have revealed the truth about conspiracy theories. They are a conspiracy!

HFK: But why? Why would people do this? Why develop these outlandish theories?

Marks: They didn’t develop them. I developed them. That’s my theory. I held this information from myself all of my life. Then, when I lost consciousness I remembered my past lives. In my past lives I developed and perpetuated the conspiracies.

HFK: To what end? Why do all of this?

Marks: It’s entirely self-serving. You see, in a past life I created Highlights for Kids. And I did it to brainwash the kids. Consider the Hidden Pictures page. That teaches kids that things are not what they seem. I included thousands of subliminal messages.

HFK: What? No, I don’t believe you.

Marks: I did it all so that I could have the opportunity to say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the kids. I’m sorry for brainwashing them.

HFK: That’s crazy.

Marks: Are you saying that my conspiracy theory is a conspiracy?

HFK: Are you proving a point or are you serious?

Marks: I like the sticker page. You guys do good work.

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