Everyone knows that Jersey Shore is a scourge against humanity. But in recent weeks, prominent leaders from nearly every country have warned that the program is a sure sign of the coming apocalypse.
President Barrack Obama was the first to speak out.
“At first I thought it was simply another terrible reality show; something else to poison our already toxic and morally unsustainable culture. Then, after watching the episode where Snooki gets punched in the face, I had a vision. It looked something like this…”
“I was going to keep it to myself, but then I got a call from Kim-Jong Il. He enjoys the worst aspects of American popular culture, so I wasn’t surprised that he had seen the same episode. I was surprised that he had experienced the same vision of global destruction. And I was further surprised to hear that he wished to join together in order to fight these (In his words) “repulsive demons from Jersey”.
As President Obama received numerous phone calls from other world leaders, astronomers in Colorado discovered a massive asteroid heading directly for Earth.
“We have calculated that the asteroid will impact us on January 6, 2011. This is the date of the season three premier of Jersey Shore.”
As the news of this doomsday asteroid spread, leaders from all over the world met at the U.N. to form a strategy. Never before had the nations of the world joined together on such a level. Unfortunately, and as all of you reading this surely know, the astronomers interrupted the meeting.
They had discovered writing on the surface of the asteroid (named “Snooki F752” ). It read:
On behalf of the Galactic Alliance, and in the name of Gamet Var Moog III, this object of destruction has been sent to your planet. We regret that it has come to this. Honestly, we were looking forward to our first meeting. That is until we received the signal from Jersey Shore. Your species must be terminated. You see, everything is connected in this universe, and if one planet sinks into shameless debauchery it is only a matter of time until it spreads to others. The greater good must be considered. Oh, and one final thing. If you can cancel Jersey Shore and bring back Arrested Development we will stop this object of death and welcome you into the Alliance. The choice is yours. Keep Jersey Shore and face elimination, or cancel Jersey Shore and bring back Arrested Development (not make it into a movie, we mean the real show) and we save you.
World leaders are still deciding. Season three promises to be even more outrageous. But living is good too. We can only wait and hope.