The Last Will and Testament of John Cadbury

The Last Will

&

Testament of

John Cadbury

March 10, 1889

I, Sir John Cadbury, with sound mind and able pen will now reveal my wishes and bestowals for my family, my business, and mankind.  Let it be known throughout all of England, and to the four corners of the world, that I lived a full and rich life.  Also, let it be known that I loved chocolate.  It is very good.  Very, very, very good indeed…

First, to my wife, Candia Barrow Cadbury, I leave the quilt that she knit for me.  And that is all. She once suggested that we shrink the Cadbury Creme Egg to save a few pounds.  What a wretch.

Second, to my son, Richard Cadbury, I leave co-ownership to my thriving business, and the key to my candy safe.  You may eat the five-pound custom made Cadbury Creme Egg, but please share it with someone special.

Third, to my other son, George Cadbury, I leave co-ownership to my thriving business, and the key to my money safe.  Half of the coins are chocolate, but I’m sure you won’t mind.

Fourth, to the people of the world, I leave a vision and a promise…

Before I became a candy maker, I had an awesome dream.  A giant bird made out of solid gold flew over the countryside dropping giant chocolate eggs whenever it flapped its wings.  All of the people gathered around the eggs to see what strange things had fallen from the heavens.  Soon they were holding hands and dancing in harmony.  Amidst the celebration, a terrible witch began to spread a cursed rumor: giant chocolate eggs should not be eaten because they are poisonous.  In no time at all, the people became divided.

There were those who stood by the giant eggs, and those who wished to bash them to tiny pieces.  Well, the people fought for many days, and they may have fought forever if not for the second stage of the witch’s plan.  Disguised as a businessman with a large white H on his jacket, the witch tricked the people into believing that the eggs belonged to her.  The witch even made the people carry all of the eggs to her castle.  There, she used her magic to shrink the eggs until they were almost too tiny to see.  Once she had all of her tiny eggs, she charged all the people a fortune to have just one of those minuscule eggs.  The people had forgotten the days of the giant eggs, and they had forgotten that the eggs truly belonged to all.  Only one man held firm to the truth.  And that man fought the witch by reminding the people of the giant eggs of old.  Unfortunately, by then, no one cared to listen.  Desperate, for a taste of even a tiny egg, the man stood in line with all of the others, defeated.

I share this dream and vision with you all in the hopes that you will never fall victim to any “witch” that may come to steal my product.  I do not know what the H on the witch’s shirt means, but perhaps it stands for my evil competitor, Milton Hershey.

  The fiend only cares about making a profit, and he will steal your money if he has to!  Do not let him, or any other profiteering villain fool you into buying a shriveled candy at exorbitant prices.

People of the world, the Cadbury Creme Egg is meant to be 39 grams.  It shall be no more and no less.  Accept no alternatives.  As long as a Cadbury is in charge of production, you will get the candy that you deserve.

John Cadbury

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Posted on April 19, 2011, in Nonsense, Popular Culture and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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