Monthly Archives: March 2013
While taking a Creative Writing class in college, I was asked by the professor to spend an hour each day writing fiction. It could be about anything I wanted. The point of the exercise was to get used to writing on a daily basis. After many years of being lost on one of my thumb drives, I have recovered them.
Stork Raving Mad
The wedding far exceeded my expectations, and I can say with confidence that Sarah felt the same. Her white dress received nothing but compliments from both sides of the family. I have already wasted too much time writing about the dress, and this is nowhere near where I want to go. A far better way to start this tale would be to say that when a man and a woman fall in love, they want to express their feelings physically. Unfortunately, certain things can get in the way.
We arrived at our suite on the island of St. Lucia after a long flight featuring two feature-length films starring Carrot Top. As a believer in Karma, I saw this as a sure sign that the honeymoon would not disappoint. The week the Reese’s Big Cup appeared in stores, for example, I lost my job and the ability to perform simple math equations. Interestingly enough, I was re-hired the day after switching over from Skippy to Jif when I calculated that the change would save me well over forty thousand dollars in the course of my lifetime.
After an entirely satisfying meal, Sarah and I rushed back to our room to engage in some marital relations. Unfortunately, very unfortunately, we were stopped.
The giant stork was at least considerate enough to knock on the window. I slowly rose out of bed in order to investigate the situation. Incredibly, he spoke to us, and in our native tongue.
“It is vital that I speak to the both of you this evening,” he said. I, like anyone else in such a position, froze in disbelief. “You must not keep on what you’re planning.”
“Who are you?” I bravely asked.
“I am The Stork. I’m in charge of delivering human babies to the world,” he said. Sarah sat up in the bed, since the subject of children sparked her interest.
“You can’t possibly exist,” she said.
“I’ve heard it so many times over the years. You see, when you’re children you discover the truth early on. You find out where babies come from, and they come from me. For some reason, when you get a little older you start believing that babies come as the result of sexual reproduction. And, let me just say, that is the silliest fallacy you people have ever created.” Now I knew it was a dream, or at very least a hallucination.
“Alright then, what about pregnant women? What about the fact that children often resemble their parents? What about all of those births in hospitals?” I knew he could not reply to these with anything reasonable.
“Your minds couldn’t possibly comprehend the complexities of this illusion. If I even hinted at the truth of it, you would surely fall dead where you’re standing. All I’ll say is that the very idea that humans have complete control over the creation of life is laughable.” I found it quite convenient that he dodged any true explanations, but I went along with him.
“Fine, then why are you here? If sex has nothing to do with it, why are you here?” The Stork then shattered the window with his beak and crawled through the opening. Sarah and I shrunk back into the covers. He stood, over six feet, at the foot of our bed, with wings fully spread.
“I can’t take it anymore! Your son waits in the wings. I’m breaking the rules. I’m changing the system that has stood for thousands of years. Take him. Take him now, and don’t ask me any questions.” At that moment, he tossed the baby boy at Sarah, who caught it in the sheets. In a flurry of feathers he escaped through the window. I watched him fly into the night sky before vanishing in a flash of light.
There’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know that before our honeymoon there were two of us, but after our honeymoon there were three of us. Two plus three equals five. That means we need to buy more peanut butter. I am not concerned about financially supporting my ever-growing family. If one jar brings in forty grand, then three jars will support all five of my kids for the rest of their lives.