Earthquake Evidence of Greater Threat,Scientists Warn

Today’s 5.9 quake, which ravaged the east coast by knocking over books and lawn gnomes, irritating the obsessive compulsive homeowner to no end, may be a warning sign of an even greater threat.  This is according to a growing number of scientists who hold to a belief that is so controversial, it isn’t even being discussed by the larger scientific community. 

“We understand that our colleagues are not ready to listen to us.  When first exposed to this truth, it is difficult for the rational mind to accept,” says Bert Ambler, a scientist.  “But if they, and the general public would simply listen to the evidence, I know that we would be vindicated.” 

The Earth’s crust, which is the surfacey part that we live on, floats on a massive ocean of molten magma.  Well, this crust is broken up into plates, which slowly move every now and then.  When the right amount of pressure is exerted, these plates rub against each other and that causes earthquakes.  At least, that’s what I remember from seventh grade science class.  As far as I know, this is what most scientists believe.  Natural forces act on each other and every once in a while, all hell breaks loose.  Makes sense.  But what do these other scientists believe? What are they worried about? 

In 1964, an experiment was conducted to test the natural instincts of humans.  14 toddlers were first placed in a room with an unplugged toaster.  Researchers observed that the children showed mild interest and no detectable fear.  Then the same children were placed in a room with a cat.  The cat walked around them, and the children tried to pet it, but none of the children showed any signs of tension or fear.  Then the researchers added an adult black bear to the room, and were startled with what they found.  The children were at first alarmed, but within a few seconds formed a perfect circle around the bear and appeared to kneel in reverence.  The bear, heavily drugged, showed no interest.  Scientists have struggled to make sense of these findings. 

“That was our first clue that there was something strange about bears,” Ambler said.  “But I didn’t get involved until the next breakthrough.”

In 2006, the remains of a lost civilization were unearthed.  To many, they are known as the Lost Civilization, but to some they are known as the Bear People.  Here’s why.   Images of bears were found carved into many walls.  Most resembled normal bears, but some appeared to have an extra feature.

“They had wings!” said Sir Laurence Russel, head archeologist with the dig.  “This is a most odd finding.  We were initially baffled.  But then we found a tablet that made the whole thing even more fantastic.”   Burried among the remains of a young man’s skeleton was a tablet with some writing.  Using some science, they were able to decipher the words. 

Bears everywhere!  We love and hate them.  Why are they flying?  Earth shakes before they come.  Beware shaking ground.  Bears hate to talk politics.  Don’t get sarcasm.  Beware the bears with wings!-

Lance Rock III

 Putting 2 and 2 together, scientists are starting to question the existence of a race of super flying bears.  And some are even taking it a step further.

“Look at the Great Barrier Reef.  It’s starting to disappear.  But wait!  Bearier.  It only makes sense that the bears are repelled by coral, and the disappearance of this reef will usher in a new bear apocalypse,” says Ambler. 

Perhaps the bears are real.  Perhaps they will fly high into the sky and fill us with shock and awe.  Perhaps.  But with more and more evidence piling up in support of this fantastic theory, what will scientists of the future say in objection? 

 Or, will they say nothing as they fight off these super bears?

Jersey Shore to Usher In Apocalypse: World Leaders and Astronomers Warn

Everyone knows that Jersey Shore is a scourge against humanity.  But in recent weeks, prominent leaders from nearly every country have warned that the program is a sure sign of the coming apocalypse.

President Barrack Obama was the first to speak out.

“At first I thought it was simply another terrible reality show; something else to poison our already toxic and morally unsustainable culture.  Then, after watching the episode where Snooki gets punched in the face, I had a vision.  It looked something like this…”

“I was going to keep it to myself, but then I got a call from Kim-Jong Il.  He enjoys the worst aspects of American popular culture, so I wasn’t surprised that he had seen the same episode.  I was surprised that he had experienced the same vision of global destruction.  And I was further surprised to hear that he wished to join together in order to fight these (In his words)  “repulsive demons from Jersey”.

As President Obama received numerous phone calls from other world leaders, astronomers in Colorado discovered a massive asteroid heading directly for Earth.

“We have calculated that the asteroid will impact us on January 6, 2011.  This is the date of the season three premier of Jersey Shore.”

As the news of this doomsday asteroid spread, leaders from all over the world met at the U.N. to form a strategy.  Never before had the nations of the world joined together on such a level.  Unfortunately, and as all of you reading this surely know, the astronomers interrupted the meeting.

They had discovered writing on the surface of the asteroid (named “Snooki F752” ).  It read:

On behalf of the Galactic Alliance, and in the name of Gamet Var Moog III, this object of destruction has been sent to your planet.  We regret that it has come to this.  Honestly, we were looking forward to our first meeting.  That is until we received the signal from Jersey Shore.  Your species must be terminated.  You see, everything is connected in this universe, and if one planet sinks into shameless debauchery it is only a matter of time until it spreads to others.  The greater good must be considered.  Oh, and one final thing.  If you can cancel Jersey Shore and bring back Arrested Development we will stop this object of death and welcome you into the Alliance.  The choice is yours.  Keep Jersey Shore and face elimination, or cancel Jersey Shore and bring back Arrested Development (not make it into a movie, we mean the real show) and we save you.

World leaders are still deciding.  Season three promises to be even more outrageous.  But living is good too.  We can only wait and hope.

Conspiracy Theorist Theorizes that Conspiracy Theories are Part of Larger Conspiracy

The following is an interview from the May 2087 issue of Highlights For Kids.

HFK sat down with Alan Marks, the former head of Conspiracy Theorists of America (CTA) to discuss his new book, The Great Conspiracy: I Don’t Know Why I Even Wrote This Book Since You Won’t Believe Me Anyway.

HFK: Mr. Marks, it is a great honor to speak with you. I know how much you value your privacy.

Marks: The honor is mine to have. We don’t have much time.

HFK: Right, of course. Mr. Marks, can you tell us what inspired your new book?

Marks: Is there a mouse in your pocket? Who is us? Who else is with you!?!

HFK: My apologies Mr. Marks. I write for Highlights For Kids

Marks: Yeah yeah yeah I know who you are. I know who you work for. (Looks anxiously in all directions then grabs my arm) Let’s go inside.

(The interview is moved inside his underground bunker.)

HFK: Is this more comfortable?

Marks: A comfortable person is vulnerable. That’s how they get you. They get you…

HFK: Excuse me Mr. Marks, but I’d like to ask you about your new book.

Marks: My book is just that…a book. It’s a book of truth. Did you read it, Mr. uhhh?

HFK: My name is George, Mr. Marks. I introduced myself to you five minutes ago. And yes, I did read your book.

Marks: Did you believe it? I mean, the part about the conspiracy?

HFK: Mr. Marks, this isn’t about me. Our readers are interested in you.

Marks: Of course they are. Of course they are. That’s how people are. But, yes, my book. What about my book?

HFK: What inspired it? When did you start to believe in this great conspiracy?

Marks: I’m sitting in my bathtub, and I’m reaching for the soap. Then, I black out. When I wake up I’m underwater. At that moment, I knew the truth.

HFK: And what was the truth?

Marks: Conspiracy theories are all part of a conspiracy. You see, none of the conspiracy theories are true. That’s why they are conspiracy theories. If they were true they would be facts. That means that all conspiracy theorists were in on it.

HFK: But you were President of the CTA.

Marks: Exactly! I had to quit immediately. And, I couldn’t trust myself either. I was chief conspiracy theorist! I must be part of the great conspiracy.

HFK: So you don’t trust yourself?

Marks: The great conspiracy is that all conspiracy theories are connected and perpetuated by crazy individuals who believe in them. I am just as guilty. I have revealed the truth about conspiracy theories. They are a conspiracy!

HFK: But why? Why would people do this? Why develop these outlandish theories?

Marks: They didn’t develop them. I developed them. That’s my theory. I held this information from myself all of my life. Then, when I lost consciousness I remembered my past lives. In my past lives I developed and perpetuated the conspiracies.

HFK: To what end? Why do all of this?

Marks: It’s entirely self-serving. You see, in a past life I created Highlights for Kids. And I did it to brainwash the kids. Consider the Hidden Pictures page. That teaches kids that things are not what they seem. I included thousands of subliminal messages.

HFK: What? No, I don’t believe you.

Marks: I did it all so that I could have the opportunity to say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the kids. I’m sorry for brainwashing them.

HFK: That’s crazy.

Marks: Are you saying that my conspiracy theory is a conspiracy?

HFK: Are you proving a point or are you serious?

Marks: I like the sticker page. You guys do good work.

Scientists Baffled By Their Inability to Destroy Humanity

When Oppenheimer, the scientist known as the father of the atomic bomb, witnessed the destructive power that he had unleashed upon the world, he famously said, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” But more than sixty years later it seems that the ambitious Oppenheimer was overshooting the mark. Scientists, no matter how hard they try, have failed to wipe out all existence. And it is baffling scientists.
“I really thought we had something when we figured out how to split the atom. That should have sealed it. But here we are. Still alive. And not just alive, but thriving with a global population nearing seven billion,” said a scientist.
“You’d think by now a mutated virus would turn the world into zombies, or a machine would become self aware and turn on us all, but it’s just not happening. People are just too damn resilient,” said another scientist.
Despite a number of setbacks, some scientists are still hopeful. They point to the Hadron Collider, which could create a black hole right here on Earth.
“We have no idea what this thing is going to do. But our fingers are crossed.”

The future seems bright for scientists. Monkeys moving robot arms with their thoughts. New synthetic killer viruses. And there’s even talk of shooting stuff into the Earth’s atmosphere to block some of the Sun’s rays in an attempt to reduce global warming.

“What keeps me going is the thought of Mother Nature taking all the glory for herself. An asteroid impact, super volcano, and any number of natural disasters could beat us to the punch. That’s just unacceptable,” said a man in a lab coat.

Dale Anderson is not a real reporter. He has no formal education and lives out his life in an underground bunker. His book, It’d Be A Conspiracy If It Weren’t True, sold over seventeen copies in its first four years of publication. He does not reflect the views of this blog.

Killer Hurricane Spares All…For Now

One of the most deadly hurricanes in recorded history, ranked #1,876, Earl has caused unparalleled potential devastation up and down the East Coast. From Florida to Maine citizens are still grappling with what could have been a swirling blood bath of a storm.

“I mean, I could have lost my home, my business, and hell, even my life,” said Bill Ryan, resident of Martha’s Vineyard. “Eighty foot storm surge. Thirty foot waves. Two hundred mile per hour winds. I’m still recovering from all of the hypothetical scenarios.”

And Mr. Ryan may not be out of the woods. Meteorologists are still not convinced that Earl is done with us quite yet. The National Weather Service issued this statement earlier today.
“Many living along the East Coast view Earl as a non-event, and accuse us of exaggerating the storm’s potential power. But recent computer scenarios are showing that Earl will loop around the North Pole as a minor storm, causing upwards of 1/8 ” of snow in some parts, before it heads back down the East Coast as a Category 5, or higher, hurricane. Our computers are pretty darn sure that they can’t be wrong, so you people better listen to us. This goes against everything we know about weather behavior, but Earl is a killer. Perhaps the worst storm in history. And he’s just getting started.”

Americans living on the coast have already responded to this warning by buying record quantities of milk and bread. Because everyone knows that you can’t survive a storm without milk and bread.

This reporter predicts that Earl, or Earl II as some are calling it, will cause between 40 and 80 billion dollars in damage and kill between 100,000 and 800,000 people. Rumor has it that a polar bear has already choked to death on the snow produced by what’s left of Earl I.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse have arrived, and their names are E, A, R, and L.

In the Headlines: Who’s happy? Engaged, high-earners

The next installment of the fake news in which I take a real headline and make up the story.

Who’s Happy? Engaged, High-Earners
by: Sir Walter Dale Octavius III

A recent study from a local high school found that there are only two categories of happy people in the world, those who earn a lot of money, and those who are engaged. Everyone else is hanging on by a thread.

Students conducting the study asked their peers one question: Would you rather be rich and in love, or poor and alone? All thirty students who responded chose wealth and love. The “researchers” then watched Pride and Prejudice and the first hour of Wall Street.
“We got the gist of Wall Street, and it seemed pretty clear that more money equals more happiness. Mr. Darcy was loaded. And he was even happier when he got engaged. You take our survey results and mix it with our pop culture analysis and you get some rock solid findings,” said Luke Mitchell, a sophomore.

Not all are convinced by the study.

“I watched The Wedding Singer last week, and there were a couple of characters who weren’t happy when they were engaged. And one of them was with a guy who worked on wall street and made a lot of money,” said Jim Cromwell, a skeptical senior.

This study has already sent shock waves through the school.

Billy Gordon, running for junior class president, gave a speech following the release of these findings. In it, he promised high paying jobs and free engagement silly bands to everyone.

Lunch lady morale is at an all time low. Most are single, and all are struggling to make ends meat. This reporter hopes they will excuse the pun.

The study was funded by the student council, and a car wash held in the parking lot of a local Arby’s. Its results will not be published in the school paper.

Sir Walter Dale Octavius III is a CNN contributor and inventor of the stretched out Coke bottle filled with colored sand. He also writes for Seventeen magazine and claims to have seen Andre the Giant once.

True Hollywood Story: RPS

Narrator: You’ve all seen it. The film that defined a generation and broke all box office records. Now, know the story behind the scenes. This is the True Hollywood Story of RPS:Rock, Paper, Scissors.

In the winter of 2006, four young men got together to make a film…a film about a game.

Dave: (Wearing a top hat and monocle) I wrote the script thinking it would be nothing more than an inside joke. Imagine that someone’s life is destroyed based on the outcome of rock paper scissors. It’s silly…or so I thought.

Narrator: When they decided to post their short film on Youtube, it only took a few days to receive a million views. It became an internet phenomenon. Soon, every news outlet in the world was broadcasting it. For the boys, it was a wild ride of interviews and offers.

John: (Smoking a cigarette and wearing an eye patch) We didn’t know what to make of it. One day we’re normal people, and the next we’re worldwide celebrities. Every studio wanted a piece of us. But Dave didn’t want any part of it.

Dave: I was afraid of what the fame and money would do to us. And I believed in the pure artistic vision of our 4 minute and 28 second short. But in the end, none of us could resist the pressure from all sides. We had to make our movie.

Narrator: Brendon Lange and Chris Cavalieri were more receptive.

Brendon: (Wearing a lab coat) I told the guys, “This is our opportunity!” We would be fools to pass it up… (Looks away from the camera) Fools.

Chris: (from a 2007 interview) It seemed completely out of our hands. Nevertheless, we were happy.

: The film was picked up by Twentieth Century Fox. It had a budget of 350 million. After a grueling casting process the studio decided to have Tom Cruise in place of Dave, Will Smith in place of Brendon, Keanu Reeves in place of John, and Steven Seagal in place of Chris. When it was released, it grossed 240 million in its first weekend. Over the next two months it would go on to gross 23 billion worldwide. In its wake, RPS crippled every other major studio, and changed the face of entertainment forever.

Dave: We weren’t sure about the 380 minute run-time, but audiences didn’t seem to mind. Some people, I’m told, purchased homes closer to the theater in order to be near the film.

Narrator: The awards seemed to rain down from heaven. RPS won 36 Oscars, and even led to the creation of more categories. But not everyone was ready to jump on this glory train. Some critics criticized the film for being four hours too long. Others accused the film of lacking in plot. But no criticism was more crushing than that of John Benton himself.

John: “What the hell was that?” I asked everyone after my first viewing. It was the worst film I had ever seen. I felt like a crazy person as the whole world seemed to be eager to jump off a cliff for this train wreck. I couldn’t accept the money. That’s why I decided to live in the ocean.

Narrator: Since there was no place on land to escape the frenzy, John purchased a house boat and set sail. Unfortunately, he was attacked by a school of stingrays.

John: They got my eye. It was a low point for me.

Narrator: As the money poured in, each man responded in his own way. Dave became a wealthy elite snob. Brendon became obsessed with time travel. He used his billions to construct a time machine. But no one could have foreseen the tragedy that awaited…

Brendon: I convinced him to do it. And not a day goes by that I don’t regret it.

Narrator: Chris Cavalieri would be the first person to attempt to travel back in time. On July 6, 2009 the time machine blazed with blinding light. It shot Chris into the 1860’s.

Dave: I remember the first time I heard his name after that. It was on a program about the death of Abraham Lincoln. “In Ford’s Theater, Lincoln was shot in the back of the head by Christopher Cavalieri.” It was hard to accept. And none of us could understand why he would have done it. It’s hard to think that your movie led to all this. That silly short inside joke of a movie.

In the Headlines

I now bring you a new segment in which I read a random headline and make up a story.
Let me preface this one by saying that I know almost nothing about Justin Bieber and I’ve watched CSI a couple of times. Here it goes.

Justin Bieber to Appear on CSI

Annoying twelve year old singer/teeny bopper heartthrob, Justin Bieber, is set to appear on an upcoming episode of CSI. Bieber will play himself, but in an alternate reality where fat people are skinny and skinny people are murderers. In a recent interview, Bieber stated, “I’m at the top of my game. Everyone loves me. But I’ve always wanted to be an actor. Ever since I was eleven, yo.”
It has been rumored that Bieber’s presence on the set has driven some cast members to consider an early retirement from acting. Laurence Fishburn, who may or may not be on this particular CSI, has been accused of calling Bieber a “no talent Canadian baby”. And that blond haired woman who used to be on the show told National Enquirer reporters, “CSI used to be respectable. We had that actor who starred in that old Mark Wahlberg movie, Fear, and he was great. Then he left, and now we have Canadian pop singers breaking down our doors.”
The writers of this particular episode have also received criticism for taking the show down a more sci-fi/ fantasy route.
“The show has really become stale. I mean, I don’t know how many seasons we’ve been on the air, but it’s just crime after crime after crime in this boring reality of ours. Let’s take it somewhere else. How about we address the obesity epidemic at the same time? You people just hate change. We’re writing a damned good episode about fat people who are skinny and skinny people who are murderers. If you are offended…good! That’s what we want. We have Justin Bieber. What do you have? That’s what I thought,” said head writer, Dale Bergman, when asked about the upcoming episode.
Love it or hate it, CSI is one of TV’s most popular crime dramas. (I mean, it’s no Du Shiniang, but what is?) But we’ll just have to wait and see if it can handle the drama behind the scenes.
-Alan Dales

Alan Dales is a reporter for CNN. He has a degree in Ancient Chinese Romance Literature from Gudger College, and works in a secret government base developing more nutritious chocolate jimmies.