Sundae Bloody Sundae

I wrote this very short story about four years ago. It was inspired by my sister’s insatiable appetite for McDonald’s hot fudge sundaes. It was requested that I post it. Originally, it was posted on Livejournal. Remember Livejournal?

McDonalds brings unparalleled bliss to billions upon billions of satisfied customers. We’ve all read the signs that seem to verify these stats, Over 99 Billion Served. Never do we question this impossible claim. Sure, it most likely means that they count repeat customers, but what if that were not the case? There are fewer than seven billion humans on the planet, and many of those do not consume fast food of any kind. So who are these others? Where are these others? And most importantly, what do they really want?

On a warm Sunday afternoon Mary felt a strong urge to consume a hot fudge sundae from her favorite fast food joint, McDonalds. She grabbed her keys

, brushed her hair, and convinced her massively obese teenage brother to tag along. (It really didn’t take much convincing.) They hopped, well, she hopped, and he struggled into the minivan. Completely out of breath, Tim asked her the most important question of the day.

“Do you think…the…machine is…gonna work?”

“It damn well better be working, or there’s going to be a massacre.” She could not have known at this time that her statement would become prophetic.

They started on their journey with the best of intentions; simply two hungry, innocent siblings with a hankerin for some frosty deliciousness. Unbeknownst to them, and the rest of humanity, their craving would lead to a series of unprecedented events that would determine the fate of all peoples.

Mary pulled into the parking lot and asked her jovial brother if he wanted anything besides a sundae.

“Another sundae and a Big Mac stuffed with a fish sandwich.”

“A Big Mac stuffed with a fish sandwich. I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that and just get you one sundae.”

“Hello, welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try a value meal?” said the voice from the loudspeaker.

“No thank you. I’d like to have two hot fudge sundaes with nuts please.”

“Two nuts?”

“Yes please. And two sundaes.”

“Oh, I’m sorry our ice cream machine is broken.”

On a normal day this would have simply aggravated Mary, and she would have driven off without incident, but something was stirring inside of her that would not accept “no” for an answer.

“Can I ask why it is broken? It seems to break often,” she asked.

“I’m not at liberty to say. Would you like anything else?”

“No, but I do want to talk to your manager.”

“Oh boy, pull into the parking lot and come inside then.”

Mary parked the minivan and went inside with her brother close at hand. Nothing is more intimidating to a McDonald’s staff than an overweight teenager, and she planned to use him as leverage. The manager stood at the cash register completing an order for an elderly couple. They left him in a state of frustration after paying with nickels and dimes.

“Excuse me sir, are you the manager?” Mary asked.

“Yes I am Miss. Is there a problem?”

“I wanted to ask about the broken ice cream machine. Why is it so often broken?”

“I uhhhh, I don’t know why. It just breaks down from too much use once in a while,” he said nervously. Mary reached over the counter and grabbed his tie.

“I am so sick of this shit! Who are you? Who the hell are you? You’re no one!”

“Ma’am please.”

“Ma’am? What is this garbage?”

“Mary, settle down,” Tim pleaded.

“No, I will not settle down!” She pulled out a pistol and pushed it to the manager’s forehead.

“Oh my God she has a gun!” One of the pimpled face employees cried.

“Who wants to add Ed here to the menu? Who wants a side of Ed with a Big Mac stuffed with a fish sandwich? Now, let’s see just why this machine isn’t working.” Mary pushed Ed, the manager, toward the ice cream machine.

“I I I I I I ca ca ca ca can’t do this,” Ed said.

“What?!?” Mary shot Ed in the left knee. A female employee fainted. “Open it!”

Ed, writhing in agony, reluctantly inserted the key that would unlock the belly of the beast. As he slowly opened the door, Mary wiped the blood from her face. Then she beheld something terrible.

Inside the ice cream machine was a tiny goblin-like creature with yellow eyes. It screamed louder than a jumbo jet, and made a mad dash for Mary. Her reaction was to shoot, and shoot she did. The creature blew into a million pieces.

“No! You madwoman! Do you know what you’ve done?” Mary did not reply, for she was still working out the recent unexplainable events in her head.

“What was that thing?” Tim asked.

“That was a Barlmarg from the magic ice lands of Buttjig. His name was Crawkbar the Lenient,” Ed replied.


Failed Attempts at Writing Fiction

Over the years, I have written a number of short stories. For every one that is written to completion there are about five that don’t make it past the first paragraph. Here are a few of my failed attempts.

October 2005

He had killed hundreds of thousands of men on the battlefield, but he could not control his bladder.

The three ghost ninjas appeared before him.

“Names we unleash upon your substance. I is Mekaky. This are Nojo, ain’t Mitserugi.”

“Greet you.”

“Greet to you as well.”

November 2006

The nameless man stood alone in a seemingly endless desert. A gray haze smothered the heavens, which made it impossible to separate the earth from sky in the distant horizon because everything came together. He circled around himself to find nothing. If he walked in any direction it would surely be the start of an eternal journey from nowhere to nowhere. So he sat down and thought to himself.

January 2007

In the midst of over twelve billion spirits he proclaimed his undying love to her. Of course this was preposterous since they would someday be sent to Earth as infants, and the odds of reaching maturity and joining as lovers was minuscule. Not only would they have to be sent around the same time period, but they would also have to find one another. It is like choosing one grain of salt, tossing it into the middle of the ocean, and then hoping to find it again. That is the reason why she told him to forget it.

April 2007

It really wasn’t even a question, he would pick non-existence over eternal life on this planet in a heartbeat.

January 2008

He turned the light off and closed his eyes in order to visualize a space beyond his normal perception. All he knew was limited vision, standard vision, and the time had come to see if his mind could really create anything new. Sure, it could recycle any experience in just about any way, but what about something truly original? His English professor had said, “We’re nothing more than filters of the world”, and since those words first entered his head, Tom felt unsettled.

In the beginning, there was nothing, a void. But, Tom thought, isn’t a void something? He wanted to leave thoughts of this nature behind, but they always stuck close. It only made sense to begin with nothing, or at least darkness without form.

February 2008

“I remember the moment I realized that I wasn’t the center of everything,” he said.

Cindy was desperate for a man, but this guy wasn’t on the same plane.

“I was riding in the back seat of my parent’s car. It was raining. I don’t remember where we were going, but I guess that’s not important.” Her eye began to twitch. The food had not come yet. “I looked out the window at all of these cars at a four-way intersection. All of those people in all of those cars, and I didn’t know any of them.” She faked an interest. It wouldn’t be the last time. “I suppose it was at that moment that it hit me hard. If there are all of these people in the world, and they are all heading in different directions for different reasons, than the world is more than myself. People exist without knowing who I am, and I exist without knowing them.”

Tom glanced at the couple sitting in the restaurant as he walked by himself. It must have been just warm enough for rain. His jacket seemed designed to absorb moisture. This suffering is temporary and necessary. They can’t all be sunny days. Tom reassured himself of this truth many times during his walk.

Two young boys sat on their windowsill in order to watch the poor people get wet. It was more of an unchecked curiosity than a twisted pleasure.

“You know when you go to bed and you get that falling feeling?”

“Yeah, I know the feeling. It’s crazy.”

“My brother says you die for a split second when that happens.”

“No way. I don’t believe you.”

“Fine, but it’s true.”

The boys saw an ambulance splash a man on the side of the road when it tore through a puddle.

“Save him,” the dieing woman begged.

“We’re going to save both of you,” the paramedic replied.

The bullet had missed the unborn child, but it had pierced her stomach. Acid had already begun to eat away at her insides.

“You have, you have to save him.” Her voice was weakening.

“You need to save your energy.”

The woman reached out with her right hand and caressed his cheek. The paramedic didn’t make any effort to stop her.

“He’s special. Save him.”

June 2009

A brilliant scientist discovered the secrets of time travel. Of course, the moment it happened, the entire universe ceased to exist: past, present, and future. The reason for this is that his discovery would inevitably lead to a time paradox, which shatters the perfect balance of existence. Fortunately for the scientist everything went back to normal after 500 trillion years of nothingness when the universe realized that if nothing ever existed then the scientist couldn’t have caused a time paradox in the first place.

August 2009

His spirit looked out toward a strange world. Billions had already passed through the thin veil, but he didn’t care much for the numbers. What mattered more than statistics was his own well-being. Once a spirit entered the living realm, all freedom would dissolve. He knew this. They all knew. The last great test awaited him. One lifetime to find himself, and her.

September 2009

The old nurse stood by herself in a sterile room watching the snow accumulate. She worried about her son. He commuted out of the city around this time. Not that he had a history of accidents. He was a responsible driver. But it didn’t help that every reckless driver ended up in her hospital. Sometimes she had to remind herself that most of the world wasn’t on the edge of death. At least not yet.

The Complete Works of David Lavallee

Reflecting on the stories I have written over the years, I thought it would be “neat” to write them all down in the basic order they were created.

Rokine (5th Grade)- A short story involving Superman’s superhero son. He outraces a wave of lava and looks at the sunset from the top of the Empire State building. I wrote a sequel in which he goes into a giant space station and travels faster than the speed of light.

Star Wars Episode 2 (7th Grade)- After the Phantom Menace came out, I decided to write the sequel with my friend Curtis. In our version Mace Windu is killed three times over and Darth Maul returns with a mechanical lower body. In my opinion, this was better than the real version that soon followed.

Team Justice (Senior Year High School) This is my first real attempt at writing a story with a beginning, middle, and end. It was about Bob Costas and a group of fictitious cartoon characters trying to stop Santa from killing children because he had lost faith in humanity.

Team Justice 2 (Senior Year High School) I tried to write a more serious sequel. Surprisingly, it didn’t work out very well.

Freeman (Senior Year High School) A post-apocalyptic tale about a man in his thirties attempting to keep his 8 yr old daughter safe from the dangers of a fallen civilization. I wrote about 20 pages in an attempt to write a long story but lost steam when I realized that I was 18 and trying to write about matters far beyond my experience.

Flesh of My Flesh (Freshman College) My response to the agony of breaking up, this short story deals with a young man who is pregnant and wandering alone in the wilderness. I see this as the first of a series of short stories.

Walk of John (Freshman College) A young man walks up a hill and observes people interacting. It ends with a chance meeting with a girl at the top of the hill. Another story written to ease the pain of love lost.

Eve ( Freshman-Sophomore Year) My second attempt at a longer story. This is also my first attempt to write the major story I have been tossing around for years. The pre-apocalyptic love story. I got about 25 pages into it. This was also largely in response to matters of the heart.

Milton High (Sophomore Year) A Short story about a High School. It is a biblical allegory and my favorite story to date.

Women (Sophomore Year) A young man deals with women. Yeah, I see a theme here.

George Washington (Junior Year) A short story about the start of George Washington’s presidency and Benjamin Franklin stealing people’s souls.

I’ve started many more stories, but I don’t consider them legitimate since they never really developed into anything.
It has been a while since I’ve written anything like these. That pre-apocalyptic love story still peaks my interest though.