“Lost Cos” and the Other Incredible Cosby Related Movie Pitches That Showed Up On My Doorstep

I found an unmarked envelope at my front door.  Here is what I found inside.

Lost Cos

In the year 2018, Bill Cosby has been diagnosed with dementia, but not before he discovers the secrets of time travel.   Using his substantial Jell-O fortune, he teams up with Shaq and Sinbad to build a fully functional time machine.  Hilarity ensues when the time machine goes haywire and the trio encounter numerous famous historical figures.  In a last ditch effort to get back to the present, Cosby makes a deal with a wizard (played by the late Bea Arthur) who promises to send them back under one condition: Cosby must stay behind to tell jokes.  Sinbad and Shaq are saved, and Cosby is known throughout history as the funniest man to ever live.  In the final scene it is revealed that Cosby imagined the whole thing.

Just Cos

It is the year 2929, and Bill Cosby is the greatest judge to ever live.  After a high-profile case between humanity and the alien, Krog the Balmarkian, Cosby is uneasy.   Krog was accused of turning people into chocolate pudding and selling them on the alien black market.  The day after the verdict, Krog strikes back by wiping out all of humanity.  Well, almost.  He intentionally leaves Cosby alive to wander the galaxy alone.  Hilarity ensues when Cosby teams up with a robot detective (played by Dana Carvey) and an intergalactic garbage woman (played by Lindsay Lohan).  The trio must solve the mystery of the lost supernova while tracking down Krog and bringing him to swift Cosby justice.  Will they succeed???   Yes.

Cos I Said So

It is the year 25,000 B.C.   Bill Cosby is the leader of the largest human tribe on the planet.  One day, he watches as a flaming object falls from the sky.  Turn outs, that object is a spaceship time machine from the year 3873.  On board is a talking dog named Bit (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried) and an alien named Lance (played by Shaq).  Cosby, not yet able to speak, welcomes the duo with various comedic gestures.  Hilarity ensues as the trio interacts with the rest of the tribe.  Lance eventually teaches Cosby how to speak, and this is the beginning of language.

I guess I’ll just toss these out…

The Cosby Mystery

I like Bill Cosby.  Some might say that I’m obsessed with the man.  How could I not be?  He’s as much of a character as Chuck Norris and a source of many laughs, whether they are with him or at him.   Bill Cosby has been a pop-culture powerhouse for nearly half a century.  So when I came to the realization that I don’t know his true origins, you better believe that it rocked my world.  How could I not know how Cosby started his career in the spotlight?  Let me explain.

My first exposure to “the Cos” was his massively popular sitcom, The Cosby Show.  As a young boy I just assumed that he was an actor and always had been.  Eventually, I learned that he was also a comedian.  Alright, so Cosby started as a comedian, and, just like Tim Allen and Ray Romano, transitioned to actor on a sitcom based on his stand-up.  This makes perfect sense.  Well, it’s not that simple.

Cosby attended UMass Amherst, my alma mater, where he pursued a degree in Psychology, or something.  I know that he obtained some kind of degree at some point in his academic career that had to do with child development/ psychology.  You see, that makes a lot of sense when you factor in another stage in his career, children’s programming.  He created a character named Fat Albert, which was turned into a cartoon.  I’ve never seen Fat Albert, but I know that it is meant to be funny and at least a little educational.

Related to Fat Albert, Cosby also had something to do with the program, The Electric Company.  The Electric Company, if I understand it, is a type of educational program for children similar to Sesame Street, but it came before.  Cosby appeared on this show, at least sporadically, and I think he played a role behind the scenes as well.

This is all great, but what about the stand-up comedian stage in his career?  Did Cosby start out as a comedian and then use that fame to work on his child-focused programs?  The mystery deepens.  And I’m not finished!

Recently, I watched an old show called I Spy.  Cosby was the first black actor to have a starring role on a major television series.  I think what I just said is true, but it’s only based on the testimony of one baby boomer.  Anyway, Cosby was very young on this show, and from the looks of it it came out in the early to mid-seventies.  This really throws me off.  Now it looks like he started as an actor before pursuing other endeavors.  Is it possible that he started as an actor, became a comedian, and then invested his time in children’s programming?  It’s possible, but is it true?

How did Cosby end up being what he is today?  I know that I can just Google this and find his brief history on Wikipedia, but I want to do it the old fashion way.  I want knowledgeable people to help me out.

Help me to solve this Cosby mystery.  And where does Ghost Dad fit into it all!

How I Envision A Think Tank To Be

For a good number of years I have wanted to work in a think tank.  Have you ever heard that term before?  They seem to have a lot of think tanks in Washington D.C.  As far as I can tell a think tank refers to a group of people who work together to develop various policies, strategies, and solutions.  But how does one join this exclusive group?  And what exactly goes on inside one of them?  The following is my vision of what really happens inside one of these think tanks.

There are between five and thirty people.  Some of them wear expensive suits and others wear stained t-shirts.  The reasons for such a range in attire are two.  First, the members must wear an outfit that provides them with the confidence to work at their mental maximum.  Second, the discrepancy in clothing produces a deep sense of competition.  The bums have to prove their worthiness, while the well-to-do battle their own feelings of inadequacy as a result of the threat posed by classless slobs challenging their mental prowess.  Competition is at the heart of any high-powered professional endeavor.

There is a room filled with every type of candy.  Twix, Snickers, lollipops, licorice, jelly beans, cadbury eggs, Hershey bars etc etc etc…   This room is locked and guarded by a middle-aged man suffering from delusions of conspiracy theories and major paranoia.  The crazy man is the only one who knows the combination to the lock.  He is under strict orders to only open the room once he feels at ease.  This means that the members of the think tank must first accomplish their lofty objective before they can have any chance of getting the candy.  The rationale behind this is, if a crazy paranoid person finds their solution to be satisfactory it must be so.   It’s air-tight logic.

There are twenty-seven televisions lining the walls of the main room. Showing on each is the film, Bill Cosby: Himself. The film is playing exactly one second off from the one next to it.  This creates a hypnotic echoing effect, which is magnified by Bill Cosby’s ridiculous voice.  Indeed.

The room is constantly being pumped with pure oxygen.  Well, oxygen laced with a rare gaseous form of the drug, speed.

Every two hours a cake is delivered to one of the members.  The cake says, Happy Birthday Tim.  It says that on every cake.  The name, Tim, causes people to think harder.  Also, the cake is made out of speed.

A crack team of helper monkeys run around the main room wearing butler outfits.  One of the monkeys is dressed as a doctor, but he has no formal training.

At random intervals the power is shut off to the main room.  This sends everyone into a frenzy until the power is restored.  Once the power is restored,  members are required to flip a coin until it lands on heads three times in a row.

There is one room that serves as a ball pit.

Chinese food is constantly being delivered.  But there are no utensils.

At the end of every day the members of the think tank are tranquilized and flown to a secret military base.  When they wake up they are told that the world is spinning in the wrong direction, and Tuesday no longer exists.

That’s probably something like what really goes on in one of those think tanks.

I want in.

How To Save America

I figured it out, which should come as a relief to everyone.
This is what we have to do in order to save our country.

Step 1: Set up a large screen in the Capitol Building. Force all members of Congress to gather. Then have them watch Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Step 2: During the movie, serve various types of cookies and chamomile tea. The servers should be children.

Step 3: Immediately following the movie, have Bill Cosby interview the children. He will ask them about what it means to live in America. This will be funny and heartwarming.

Step 4: Have the President of the United States read the Declaration of Independence to both the Congress and the children in attendance.

Step 5: Dismiss the meeting, but be sure to give all members of congress a personalized Gift Bag before they leave. The Gift Bag will include three letters, a gift certificate for $50 to a Friendly’s restaurant with a note encouraging them to take their family , and their birth certificate. The letters will be from an unknown child, a soldier stationed overseas, and the person dearest to them. The birth certificate is to remind them where they come from.

Step 6: Invent three new holidays. One will honor Dr. Seuss. One will be called Family Survival Day. One will be called Charity Day.

Step 7: Wait for a solar flare to disable all electronics.
Step 8: With the food and water and survival skills gathered from Family Survival Day, people will survive for the 3-6 months needed to get our systems back online. And hopefully Charity Day will prevent them from killing each other.

Step 9: Have the President give a speech about what really matters. The months spent in basic survival mode will have humbled everyone, greatly reducing corporate greed and political power grabs. His speech should reach everyone.

Step 10: Build an anti-solar flare dome around the entire earth.

Follow these simple steps and I guarantee you that this country will be right back where it should be.