Category Archives: Nonsense
While taking a Creative Writing class in college, I was asked by the professor to spend an hour each day writing fiction. It could be about anything I wanted. The point of the exercise was to get used to writing on a daily basis. After many years of being lost on one of my thumb drives, I have recovered them.
Stork Raving Mad
The wedding far exceeded my expectations, and I can say with confidence that Sarah felt the same. Her white dress received nothing but compliments from both sides of the family. I have already wasted too much time writing about the dress, and this is nowhere near where I want to go. A far better way to start this tale would be to say that when a man and a woman fall in love, they want to express their feelings physically. Unfortunately, certain things can get in the way.
We arrived at our suite on the island of St. Lucia after a long flight featuring two feature-length films starring Carrot Top. As a believer in Karma, I saw this as a sure sign that the honeymoon would not disappoint. The week the Reese’s Big Cup appeared in stores, for example, I lost my job and the ability to perform simple math equations. Interestingly enough, I was re-hired the day after switching over from Skippy to Jif when I calculated that the change would save me well over forty thousand dollars in the course of my lifetime.
After an entirely satisfying meal, Sarah and I rushed back to our room to engage in some marital relations. Unfortunately, very unfortunately, we were stopped.
The giant stork was at least considerate enough to knock on the window. I slowly rose out of bed in order to investigate the situation. Incredibly, he spoke to us, and in our native tongue.
“It is vital that I speak to the both of you this evening,” he said. I, like anyone else in such a position, froze in disbelief. “You must not keep on what you’re planning.”
“Who are you?” I bravely asked.
“I am The Stork. I’m in charge of delivering human babies to the world,” he said. Sarah sat up in the bed, since the subject of children sparked her interest.
“You can’t possibly exist,” she said.
“I’ve heard it so many times over the years. You see, when you’re children you discover the truth early on. You find out where babies come from, and they come from me. For some reason, when you get a little older you start believing that babies come as the result of sexual reproduction. And, let me just say, that is the silliest fallacy you people have ever created.” Now I knew it was a dream, or at very least a hallucination.
“Alright then, what about pregnant women? What about the fact that children often resemble their parents? What about all of those births in hospitals?” I knew he could not reply to these with anything reasonable.
“Your minds couldn’t possibly comprehend the complexities of this illusion. If I even hinted at the truth of it, you would surely fall dead where you’re standing. All I’ll say is that the very idea that humans have complete control over the creation of life is laughable.” I found it quite convenient that he dodged any true explanations, but I went along with him.
“Fine, then why are you here? If sex has nothing to do with it, why are you here?” The Stork then shattered the window with his beak and crawled through the opening. Sarah and I shrunk back into the covers. He stood, over six feet, at the foot of our bed, with wings fully spread.
“I can’t take it anymore! Your son waits in the wings. I’m breaking the rules. I’m changing the system that has stood for thousands of years. Take him. Take him now, and don’t ask me any questions.” At that moment, he tossed the baby boy at Sarah, who caught it in the sheets. In a flurry of feathers he escaped through the window. I watched him fly into the night sky before vanishing in a flash of light.
There’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know that before our honeymoon there were two of us, but after our honeymoon there were three of us. Two plus three equals five. That means we need to buy more peanut butter. I am not concerned about financially supporting my ever-growing family. If one jar brings in forty grand, then three jars will support all five of my kids for the rest of their lives.
What if there was a theory that explained the way people are? What if this theory just happened to borrow heavily from a popular video game franchise? Well, if such a theory existed it would probably be called, The Madden Customization Theory, and it would probably blow your mind. I’m not sure if John Madden’s video games were the first to introduce the concept of character customization, but they were certainly one of the earliest and most popular. It is possible that some of you don’t know what I am talking about. You’ve never played a video game, or you’ve never had the experience of customizing a virtual character. Do not fret, explanations are coming.
We don’t have any control over when we’re born, who we’re born from, or even if we’re born at all. It’s really a sobering truth if you give it the thought time it merits. There is an infinity that came before you, and one way or another there is an infinity after you. If that’s not humbling enough, some really smart people believe that you don’t even have free will in this brief life. Either your circumstances, or genes, or God determine your every choice from cradle to grave. Wow, that’s a lofty concept, and I’m willing to bet humanity was never meant to fully understand it. Regardless, it is important to recognize these philosophical and religious concepts of time, will and eternity if we are going to have a foundation for this incredible theory.
In the above image you see numbers and categories. The numbers, or points, range from 0 to 100, with 100 representing the maximum skill in that particular category. Aaron Rodgers is a real football player, so his statistics have been set by the programmers of the game. The custom character screen is similar, except that you can choose how to disperse the points. So if I wanted a player to be fast, I could put most of the points in the category of speed. The catch is that you’re only given so many points to spread around. You have to decide what kind of player you want him to be. Sacrifices must be made. Priorities must be set.
What if we had the ability to somehow determine the kind of people we would be, before we were even born? It would only be fair that each of us would have the same number of “points” to disperse as we deemed appropriate. So, if I wanted to be book smart I could put points towards that, and might have to sacrifice some athletic ability. Or, if a woman wanted to be more attractive she could overload her points in the beauty column and sacrifice common sense. It is a rare person who excels in most categories. For many of us, there are clear strengths and weaknesses, which often appear to be random. The Madden Customization Theory offers an explanation to account for the big guy without a brain and the scrawny guy with an I.Q. of 150. We all had the same number of points, but we all have different priorities.
The Madden Customization Theory probably wouldn’t stand up to rigorous scrutiny from serious thinkers, but I’m willing to bet it struck a chord with you. It’s appealing to imagine that somewhere in a time long ago we had the power to choose who we would become. Maybe the best aspect of this theory isn’t what it assumes about the past, but what it says about the future. We are largely the result of our priorities. It matters who we want to become. That’s how real characters are created.
The trial of David Lavallee v. the Stinging Insects of the United States occurred on the afternoon of September 14, 2008 inside of a large hollowed out tree in the town of Amherst, Massachusetts. The transcript from that trial had been locked away for three years, as is bee custom, but is now available to the public. Representing Mr. Lavallee was world renowned bumblebee lawyer, Buzz E. Salamone*. Representing the Stinging Insects of the United States was a young wasp named Mitch “the Hurricane” McAllister.
Mr. Lavallee was the first human to ask for a legally binding contract which would guarantee him safety from any and all insect related stings. He believed that his past peaceful actions toward even the most sting-happy insects deserved recognition within the insect community at large. Here is the transcript from that trial.
(Judge Thorax enters.)
Officer: All rise for the honorable Judge Winston Thorax IV.
Judge: Mr. Lavallee, you are excused from rising as your large human frame will not allow it.
Lavallee: Thank you…
Judge: Silence, meat bag!
(Defendant Buzz consoles Mr. Lavallee)
Judge: We are here to determine if a one Mr. Lavallee should be allowed his desired contract which would prevent all stinging insects from harming him. Jury, you will now listen to the opening statements. (The jury is comprised entirely of female honeybees) Mr. Salamone, please begin.
Buzz: Bees of the jury, I stand before you, a simple bumblebee lawyer. Long have bees and wasps and hornets and all stinging insects faced the wrath of mankind. Long have we been sprayed out of our homes and crushed into the pavement. Long has our great enemy been humanity. Yes, who can argue this? I cannot. But that is the truth in general. In general, I say! Yes, but not the truth in every single case. No! I submit that my client, Mr. David Lavallee has proven himself to be a friend of our kind. He has not only refrained from mass murder like so many of his kind, but he has also gone out of his way to save us. Shouldn’t we honor such an individual? Shouldn’t we protect one who protects us, even if he is one of the humans? I hope you will see past any natural prejudices that you may carry against men, and look at the truth of my client’s innocence. Thank you.
Judge: Mr. McAllister, you may begin.
Mitch: Fellow insects. Brothers and sisters. I am amazed that it has come to this. Our great enemy is attempting to gain our good graces simply after a few kind deeds. But let me ask you this, what will he do when he finds a stinging insect building a hive in his house? What will he do when his children are playing near a swarm of wasps? Will he keep his promise to not kill us then? I submit that this human is just like the rest and does not deserve any special treatment. Humans are freaks of the natural order! A mistake of evolution! We are not friends. Today, listen to reason and the warning of your hearts! Thank you.
(The courtroom buzzes)
Judge: Order! Order! Now, Mr. Salamone, you may call your first witness.
Buzz: Your honor, I call Sting to the stand!
Judge: I’m afraid Sting could not join us. He is at an opening ceremony for an Arby’s in Nebraska.
Buzz: Darnit! Ok, well then I call Captain Alan Q. Wing to the stand.
(An old yellow jacket, Captain Wing hobbles forward with a cane made out of a toothpick.)
Officer: (Holding a copy of Bee Movie) Do you swear to honor the Great Queen Bee by telling the truth?
Captain: Yes. Yes I do.
Buzz: Captain, can you please tell the jury who you are?
Captain: I am Captain Alan Quint Wing of the First Class Stingers.
Buzz: And who are the First Class Stingers?
Captain: We are the most effective and deadly stinging task force on the entire planet. We carry out critical missions for the Great Queen Bee.
Buzz: Thank you. Now, can you tell me how you met Mr. Lavallee?
Captain: Yes, I remember it clearly. The Stingers were on our way to attack a group of teenagers who had recently wiped out a large wasp nest near a basketball court. As I was flying past Mr. Lavallee, I noticed that he was bent over a dying bumblebee. Assuming the worst, I veered off course to attack him. I touched down on his nose and stung him there.
Buzz: Then what happened?
Captain: Well, it’s embarrassing. I don’t like to talk about it. Well, you see, I got stuck.
Buzz: It’s ok Captain. Please, tell us what then happened?
Captain: I saw Mr. Lavallee raise his hand as if to strike me. And then something miraculous occurred. You see, we saw eye to eye. I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t think it’s ever happened before.
Mitch: Objection! We are not here to decide the existence of miraculous events.
Judge: Sustained! I will allow this. Proceed.
Buzz: You saw eye to eye? And Mr. Lavallee didn’t swat you?
Captain: No, he didn’t. It’s like he saw that I was scared, and so he tried to help me. He gently pulled my stinger out and then let go. I fell to the ground in shock and landed next to the fallen bumblebee.
Buzz: And what did the bee say?
Captain: He said, “Not all peoples is bads peoples.” Then he died.
Buzz: No further questions.
Mitch: Captain, why are you a liar?
Judge: Overruled! Watch yourself Mitch.
Mitch: Captain, you said this human raised his hand to swat you and then stopped to help you out. Ok, well what if he did that for his own benefit? What if he was more concerned with getting the stinger out than with your wellbeing?
Captain: I never thought of that.
Mitch: Of course not. And did you know that the bumblebee was a communist?
Captain: What? No!
Mitch: What else don’t you know, Captain?
Captain: I don’t know!
Mitch: No further questions.
(After a short recess, the trial concluded with closing remarks.)
Judge: We will now hear closing remarks.
Mitch: Honeybees, you’ve seen all that you need to see. We have an old delusional man who doesn’t know his stinger from his armpit. We have a dying communist bumblebee spouting off some commie rhetoric. And we have a human trying desperately to protect himself from us. Why? Why does he need protection? Because he is afraid of us. He is afraid of you! And he should be. He should be. Listen to reason today, and don’t give him anything.
Buzz: The truth of this man’s character has been shouting out to you, hasn’t it? He means you no harm, and he wishes for peace between us. Decide to believe in peace today. Too many lives have been lost due to fear and division. Make peace with your own conscience, and with this worthy human, today.
(The honeybee jury deliberates for three minutes. Then they return.)
Judge: What have you decided.
Head Juror: We have decided that Mr. Lavallee, though he is a human, is deserving of the contract that he so desires. We have chosen the side of peace.
(The court erupts with applause)
Mitch: Fools! All of you!
Judge: Officer, get him out of here! (Mitch, in a moment of desperation moves in to attack Mr. Lavallee. Just as he is about to sting him in the eye, Buzz moves into the path of the stinger and is impaled. Gasps are heard. Officer Honeydew tackles Mitch to the floor and cuffs him.)
Lavallee: Buzz, No!
Buzz: It’s ok. This is the start of a new age. I’m honored (cough) to be called your…lawyer… and friend.
Judge: Call an ambeelance! Get that man some nectar!
(Mr. Lavallee leans in)
Buzz: Beeeeeee well, my…friend. Beeeeeee…well.
(He gasps his last breath and dies.)
Judge: This is a terrible thing. Yet I must issue my final decree. I hereby declare that Mr. David Lavallee will be legally protected from all stinging insects. If he harms any insect maliciously, or unprovoked, the contract is void. If any stinging insect breaks the contract, that insect shall be put to death. To assure him that the contract is still valid, a dragonfly will land on him once a year during the month of August. So let it be written. So let it be done.
Bees and I have an understanding.
*Buzz E. Salamone is not affiliated with Mark. E. Salamone, nor is he affiliated with Salamone & Salamone, and is especially not affiliated with Bee Von Stung Salamone of Lancaster County.
Today’s 5.9 quake, which ravaged the east coast by knocking over books and lawn gnomes, irritating the obsessive compulsive homeowner to no end, may be a warning sign of an even greater threat. This is according to a growing number of scientists who hold to a belief that is so controversial, it isn’t even being discussed by the larger scientific community.
“We understand that our colleagues are not ready to listen to us. When first exposed to this truth, it is difficult for the rational mind to accept,” says Bert Ambler, a scientist. “But if they, and the general public would simply listen to the evidence, I know that we would be vindicated.”
The Earth’s crust, which is the surfacey part that we live on, floats on a massive ocean of molten magma. Well, this crust is broken up into plates, which slowly move every now and then. When the right amount of pressure is exerted, these plates rub against each other and that causes earthquakes. At least, that’s what I remember from seventh grade science class. As far as I know, this is what most scientists believe. Natural forces act on each other and every once in a while, all hell breaks loose. Makes sense. But what do these other scientists believe? What are they worried about?
In 1964, an experiment was conducted to test the natural instincts of humans. 14 toddlers were first placed in a room with an unplugged toaster. Researchers observed that the children showed mild interest and no detectable fear. Then the same children were placed in a room with a cat. The cat walked around them, and the children tried to pet it, but none of the children showed any signs of tension or fear. Then the researchers added an adult black bear to the room, and were startled with what they found. The children were at first alarmed, but within a few seconds formed a perfect circle around the bear and appeared to kneel in reverence. The bear, heavily drugged, showed no interest. Scientists have struggled to make sense of these findings.
“That was our first clue that there was something strange about bears,” Ambler said. “But I didn’t get involved until the next breakthrough.”
In 2006, the remains of a lost civilization were unearthed. To many, they are known as the Lost Civilization, but to some they are known as the Bear People. Here’s why. Images of bears were found carved into many walls. Most resembled normal bears, but some appeared to have an extra feature.
“They had wings!” said Sir Laurence Russel, head archeologist with the dig. “This is a most odd finding. We were initially baffled. But then we found a tablet that made the whole thing even more fantastic.” Burried among the remains of a young man’s skeleton was a tablet with some writing. Using some science, they were able to decipher the words.
Bears everywhere! We love and hate them. Why are they flying? Earth shakes before they come. Beware shaking ground. Bears hate to talk politics. Don’t get sarcasm. Beware the bears with wings!-
Lance Rock III
Putting 2 and 2 together, scientists are starting to question the existence of a race of super flying bears. And some are even taking it a step further.
“Look at the Great Barrier Reef. It’s starting to disappear. But wait! Bearier. It only makes sense that the bears are repelled by coral, and the disappearance of this reef will usher in a new bear apocalypse,” says Ambler.
Perhaps the bears are real. Perhaps they will fly high into the sky and fill us with shock and awe. Perhaps. But with more and more evidence piling up in support of this fantastic theory, what will scientists of the future say in objection?
Or, will they say nothing as they fight off these super bears?
You’re in a maze. You can’t turn back. You have only to go forward. In your hand is a sharp six-inch knife. Just ahead is a spot where the maze forks in two directions. If you go one way you must face a tiger (the average size of all tigers) and if you go the other way you must face a gorilla (the average size of all gorillas). You must kill the animal in order to pass. Which one do you choose?
I came up with this question a few years back (3 or 4 I believe) and it has not gone away. Part of the reason for its longevity is the fact that I originally chose the gorilla and most people choose the tiger. This conflict fuels debate and further interest. I have always believed that the gorilla is the more reasonable choice. Yet most think I am foolish. Well, I now want to put it all to rest by presenting an air-tight argument in favor of the gorilla. To put it another way, I’m going to show the tiger people that they are the foolish ones.
First, let’s look at size. Here is an illustration of the size comparison between a 6 foot man and a mountain gorilla (which is the largest of the gorillas).
The male mountain gorilla can grow as heavy as 500 pounds and to over 6 feet tall when standing upright. When you factor the various species of gorilla, you get an average of about 400 pounds and a size of about 5 feet standing upright. That’s still nothing to shake a stick at. But how does the tiger compare?
On the left is the size comparison between a man and a lion, so ignore that. The middle image is of a Bengal tiger and the image on the right is of the largest tiger, the Amur. From what I’ve gathered, to average the tiger sizes you would have a length of about 8.5 feet and a weight of about 450 pounds. (I used two internet sources and neither were wikipedia). You could say that they are of comparable size to the gorilla, if not larger.
The main point I am trying to make with the reality of size is that gorillas are not significantly larger than tigers. If anything, tigers are larger. I believe that many people envision gorillas to be larger than they actually are and tigers to be smaller.
Now that I’ve shown you that tigers are a little bigger than gorillas, let’s move to my next point, which is what these animals are designed for.
Tigers are predators. Gorillas eat plants.
Tigers have claws that can extend to 4 inches. They have canines that often exceed three inches. Tigers have powerful jaw muscles to “clamp on prey with crushing force.” They are built to take down animals and kill them. Here is a quote I found.
Corbett’s idiosynchratic Temple tiger, after fighting over a kill with a very large black bear, then picked up the cow, weighing six or seven hundred pounds, and dragged it for some two miles up a densely wooded hill, negotiating dense undergrowths, fallen trees and great masses of rock
Now let’s look at the vegetarian gorilla.
Gorillas are herbivores that eat seeds and fruits and sometimes ants and termites. They are certainly strong at about six times stronger than an adult male. But that strength is not used to hunt prey. They have fairly large canines, but most of their teeth are flat for chomping on plants. They are not killing machines.
Conclusion: Tigers are killing machines that are at least of comparable size to gorillas. Tigers are built to kill large prey. Gorillas are built to pick plants. Tigers have impressive strength, at the very least on par with gorillas. Gorillas are about six times stronger than an adult man.
People choose tiger due to misconceptions in size and ferocity. They saw The Neverending Story when they were kids and they think that the tiger will simply jump at them and all that needs to be done is stab them once in the neck. You know it’s true!
King Kong and Mighty Joe Young don’t help either.
Gorilla is the correct answer.
I found an unmarked envelope at my front door. Here is what I found inside.
In the year 2018, Bill Cosby has been diagnosed with dementia, but not before he discovers the secrets of time travel. Using his substantial Jell-O fortune, he teams up with Shaq and Sinbad to build a fully functional time machine. Hilarity ensues when the time machine goes haywire and the trio encounter numerous famous historical figures. In a last ditch effort to get back to the present, Cosby makes a deal with a wizard (played by the late Bea Arthur) who promises to send them back under one condition: Cosby must stay behind to tell jokes. Sinbad and Shaq are saved, and Cosby is known throughout history as the funniest man to ever live. In the final scene it is revealed that Cosby imagined the whole thing.
It is the year 2929, and Bill Cosby is the greatest judge to ever live. After a high-profile case between humanity and the alien, Krog the Balmarkian, Cosby is uneasy. Krog was accused of turning people into chocolate pudding and selling them on the alien black market. The day after the verdict, Krog strikes back by wiping out all of humanity. Well, almost. He intentionally leaves Cosby alive to wander the galaxy alone. Hilarity ensues when Cosby teams up with a robot detective (played by Dana Carvey) and an intergalactic garbage woman (played by Lindsay Lohan). The trio must solve the mystery of the lost supernova while tracking down Krog and bringing him to swift Cosby justice. Will they succeed??? Yes.
Cos I Said So
It is the year 25,000 B.C. Bill Cosby is the leader of the largest human tribe on the planet. One day, he watches as a flaming object falls from the sky. Turn outs, that object is a spaceship time machine from the year 3873. On board is a talking dog named Bit (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried) and an alien named Lance (played by Shaq). Cosby, not yet able to speak, welcomes the duo with various comedic gestures. Hilarity ensues as the trio interacts with the rest of the tribe. Lance eventually teaches Cosby how to speak, and this is the beginning of language.
I guess I’ll just toss these out…
Muse has an album called Black Holes and Revelations, which is where I got the inspiration for the title. If my slight dip into cursing has offended you, I do sincerely apologize. This blog is generally a place of pure language, but for today’s subject I felt compelled to use a word that really captures the essence of this moronic false prophet. He’s an asshole.
This guy, Harold Camping, has already falsely predicted the end of the world in the nineties. What gall to do it again. And what is this new prediction based on? It’s based on biblical numerology. You know, you take a three here and a seven there and you divide and then multiply arbitrarily until you get some date that you can work with. It’s complete madness.
Alright, so the Bible does contain numbers of symbolic meaning. You can look up the meaning of three and seven and forty, if you have some time to spare. Those are some of the most significant ones. But nowhere is there any indication that one can use these numbers to make any type of accurate prediction about anything. You see, the problem is that the Bible also contain words, and when you take a word and put it in a sentence it forms a complete thought. Here, let me show you.
“But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Jesus (Mark 13:32) Look at that! God Himself used words to say that no one knows when the world will end. But hey, don’t let the words of God get in the way of your search for “hidden codes” lurking between the lines.
Harold Camping is just one asshole, but unfortunately there are others out there, and they make other Christians look like a bunch of… you know. People who use end times curiosity to sell books and promote their weekly television and radio programs should not be trusted. I’m looking at you Jack Van Impe, and those guys who wrote the Left Behind series . I do not denounce their inclusion of the gospel message in their material, but I’m afraid it’s hard for people on the outside to see the love of Christ when it’s covered by a pile of apocalyptic… you know. More harm than good? Probably. Bringing many to Christ? Probably not.
The Bible does say that the world is going to face a time of really intense turmoil ending in the return of Jesus Himself. But the Bible is also very clear that we are not to know when that time is. The early Christians believed the end would happen in their time two-thousand years ago. It is good to be aware of what is happening in the world, and I am not saying that the end isn’t coming soon. It might be. All I’m saying is that the end isn’t going to happen tomorrow, and jerks who use people’s beliefs and fears and curiosities to turn a profit are assholes who have no love for God in their hearts.
As a side note, I want to address the issue of rapture. Many Christians believe that they will be taken up into heaven right before the really bad stuff starts happening to the world. There are other Christians who don’t believe in the rapture. I personally don’t believe that Christians will be raptured. Why? Historically, Christians have had to endure much suffering and torture and persecution, and they had to endure it to the end. “Easy way outs” don’t seem to fit with God’s character. Instead, I think it would make sense that followers of Christ remain to face the trails and tribulations along with all others. That way, in the face of so much suffering, Christians could be a witness to the world of the peace and hope that can only come through Jesus Christ. That’s not anything you’ll find in the Bible, but it’s my thoughts on what God could do in the last days to bring people to Himself.
And one last thing. When Jesus came, He wasn’t the conquering king that the people expected from their messiah. We have this image of what the end will look like. I have a feeling that when the end comes, it will look a lot different than what we expect. That being said, when Jesus returns, you’ll know. Believe me, you’ll know.